Ontology
by Ffordesoon
Summary: Kim wakes up on a mountain, then things get REALLY weird.  A strange little story inspired by Lex "Spork" Tenou's prompt "Snow."  More info in Author's Note.


Unnecessary Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story, I'm poor compared to the Disney corporation, please don't sue me, etc. etc.

* * *

She was lying on... something. Cold. Soft. Wait, snow? Why snow?

Kim's eyes fluttered open. Sky, pinkish. Did she fall asleep skydiving? No, there was ground underneath, so - oh, and the snow. _And that means I'm where?_

She tried to sit up, but things were all wobbly. The ground was... _skewed_. What was the word for... Ah. Diagonal. _Diagonal_? She tried sitting up again, rolling forward slightly to compensate for the uneven ground.

"Oh. Right." she muttered, watching the flames lap at the charred remains of Professor Dementor's alpine lair on the peak opposite. Was it alpine because it was in the Alps, or because...? _Better Wikipedia that when I get back._

Wait. Getting back. Why wasn't she back now? Why hadn't the Kimmunicator been ringing off the hook? _Well, it's a mobile device, so it's technically not on a hook in the first place, but..._ said a voice in her head that sounded suspiciously like Ron.

_Ron_! Where was Ron?

_Right here, KP!_ said the voice in her head, which, now that Kim thought about it, sounded pretty much _exactly_ like Ron. And was sort of... audible?

_Wait, what!_ Kim shouted. Well, in her brain, she shouted, not-

_I knew what you meant, KP._

Kim put her arms around herself, wondering if this was some ferociously messed-up dream she was having. The Ron-voice then assured her that no, it was not a dream, and that just "Ron" was fine.

_Uh-oh_, she thought.

The image of Ron turning away from her and harrumphing hurtled to the front of her brain, and the voice - er, _Ron_ – said, _Well! I didn't _ask _to be shot with Dementor's Ontological Concatenatron._ Ron paused, then somehow high-fived a copy of himself. _Hey, I said it right! Go me!_

It was at that moment that Kim realized she felt an uncontrollable craving for four Super-Duper-Sized Grande Naco Platters _at once_.

_Ooh, great idea, KP! Of course, they're full of trans fats and lots of junk, so I recommend going to a Whole Foods, and _what in God's name am I saying_!_ Kim heard Ron whimper. _I'm... not sure I like this, KP. Swapping bodies was one thing, but- _A mental image of herself in Ron's body hitting on Bonnie made itself known, and then a veritable film strip of... after-dark activities swirled around her consciousness. After that, a mental image of Ron scowling made itself known. _KP! Confusion regarding one's sexual identity isn't a personality trait I'd associate with you! Wait, it's not confusion! Oh, what if it's repression? Wait, how could I possibly know about that, anyway? Why am I even _thinking_ about this? Am I... part of your brain now? Like an imaginary friend? SO THE DRAMA!_

_Well, this tanks, _said Kim to herself, which meant she also said it to Ron, and _holy crap_ she was talking like Ron and Ron was talking like her. Kim groaned, and imagined Ron groaning at the same time. Or something. Kim wasn't really sure of the proper terms to define what was going on in her brain. She just knew that she and Ron both wanted it to stop, and that they both wanted Ron to be flesh and blood again.

That stirred a particularly horrid thought in Kim's mind. _Um, Ron?_

_Way ahead of you, KP. My body's in... Dementor's... lair..._

Kim pointed to the fiery peak across the valley. _The one that just..._

_Oh. Oh, man,_ they thought-said in unison. _This is gonna be a hell of a day._

Kim shivered, suddenly remembering that she was on top of a mountain in thick snow. "Okay, gotta get up, gotta get help somehow, gotta get moving..." She reached into her pocket for the Kimmunicator and grasped the insides of an empty pocket. "Well, that explains the distinct lack of Wade. Oh jeez. What am I gonna do? This SUCKS! AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

"Shush, Kimmie. You'll cause an avalanche. Jesus!" said the only person who could make this day worse. _Or better_, said Ron, and Kim pictured him winking at her. She pictured herself punching him in the face. _Ow! Hey!_

Kim turned around slowly. "No. No way. There's just no way. You can't be... What the _hell_ are you _doing_ here, Shego?"

The pale green woman, who had somehow had the good sense to pack a (green, naturally) light parka, smirked. "Well, Dr. D wanted me to lift some unpronounceable gizmo from Dementor for, uh..." Her smirk turned into a wince, and she sighed. "...Operation Blooming Onion."

"He wanted the Ontological Concatenatron?"

Shego blinked. "...Yeah. How'd you-"

"Long story. Well, not long. More... mind-breakingly confusing. The point is – wait, 'Operation Blooming Onion?'"

"Yeah. He was eating a blooming onion when he thought of it."

"...Seriously?"

"Swear to god. Anyway, that clearly didn't turn out well..." She nodded at the ex-lair. "...So I left. I passed over this mountain in the hovercraft, saw you face down in the snow, and parked the thing on a rocky outcropping not far from here. Found you, turned you over, and I've been sitting on my perfectly perfect ass waiting for you to wake up ever since."

Kim's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

Shego raised an eyebrow. "He names a plan after the thing he was eating, and you're asking me how I could possibly - no pun intended - stand to take a half-day?"

"It's freezing up here! You didn't wake me up? My parents must be worried sick!" _And mine!_ Ron added.

"Nah, I called your nerd already. Everyone's gotta know you're fine by now. You keep yelling like that, though..."

"You what? How? Wade is almost impossible to reach through anything but..."

Shego took the intact Kimmunicator out of her parka's front pocket and grinned. "This?"

Kim glared at Shego, but said nothing.

The devilish grin widened. "That's what I thought."

"Well, it's still cold as hell up here!"

"Not for me. Plasma, y'dig? Oh, and Hell isn't cold, it's hot."

"YOU...!" Kim started, and then she remembered they were on a snow-capped mountain. She took a deep breath and continued. "You aren't cold?"

"Well, it feels a little nippy, I'll admit, but it's not too bad."

Kim hugged herself and rubbed her woefully bare arms. "It is for me."

Shego slipped out of the parka and handed it to Kim. "Why do you think I brought you this parka?"

"You... If it was for me, why didn't you just give it to me in the first place? Why not just lay it on top of me? In fact, why didn't you wake me up as soon as you _found_ me? Huh?"

Shego blushed. "Uh, well, I... sorta kinda... I dunno. Why's it matter?"

Kim was agog. "You don't know? YOU DON'T KNOW? I COULD HAVE DIED!" Kim came back to herself and covered her mouth, but it was too late. Her piercing cry of "died" echoed across the heavens, and a low rumble followed. The rumble grew louder, and a cloud of shivering snow began to tumble down the mountain. The two women - and Kim's imaginary-real mind-passenger Ron - looked at the approaching cloud with mounting horror.

"Oh..." said Shego.

"My..." said Kim.

_Stars and garters!_ said Ron. Kim barely had the chance to mentally smack him before they were swallowed up in white.

* * *

Author's Note: I'M BACK, BABY!

Well, I never left, but it's been long enough since I posted that you guys probably thought I regained my sanity and gave up on doing something as ridiculous as writing cartoon slashfic for no money. Ah, but it is not so, mon ami! I've been working like a Japanese salaryman on crack!

Well, not that much, but more than I ever have before! Which is a very low bar...

You know what? Let's just move on.

In any case, I'm back, and I've got this story, POTH, and a third one in the works. I'm'a drop these bombs on you one after the other, and they're gonna hit you guys so hard you'll need smelling salts on hand! Yeah!

So, where did this story come from? Well, I have a thread over at the KP Slash Haven wherein I take requests for cookies from people there. This was a response to Lex "Spork" Tenou's one-word prompt "Snow." Because Lex is the master of prompts, I immediately figured out a short cookie I could write based on that one prompt. I sat down to write it, and wrote this instead. That's how these things work sometimes. As to why it's so damn strange, well, it kinda sorta got out of control, and then it became a chapter instead of a cookie, because the setup was tantalizing and I don't like to leave things dangling. This fic as a whole will be two or three chapters, though if someone wants to steal the premise from me and do a longer story with it, I won't mind at all. Well, as long as you tell me about it and give me credit for the idea, obv.

Incidentally, I bet you're wondering when the next chapter of this will be out, given the near-literal cliffhanger I just smacked you with. Well, there's some good news and some bad news on that front. Bad news first: I have no idea when the next chapter will be out, though I do have a very rough outline of its contents. Which leads us to the good news: given that it may be a long time before the next chapter is out, I'll grant you folks some peace of mind and tell you that all the characters caught in the avalanche are definitely alive. Whether they will be by the end of chapter _two_, of course, is another matter entirely... ;)

Thanks for reading this, and keep an eye out for my next story, which will be released around Valentine's Day. After that, it's back to POTH, and man, do I have a ride prepped for you cats!

Cheers!


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